Worms for Dinner
Home, and Hornsby's, on a Friday afternoon, after skipping out on work (ssssh!) fifteen minutes early... what could be nicer?
Well, for one I could really do without this PMS, and I figured, what the hell, I'll write about it. Maybe it'll get some things off my chest without making nasty snipes at people.
It's a weird thing. In Corpus I was abjectly miserable and yet never had PMS to speak of; or perhaps it was just as much of a bitch then, but didn't stand out from my overall condition enough to be noticeable.
Still it's strange here. I've been, obviously, really happy. I have an easy and completely undemanding job, I have a fun group of work friends who seem to really like me (that's just because they don't know you well enough yet, whispers the PMS), I am in Austin. I love Austin.
But it's more than that. My whole social position in life seems to have drastically shifted. I think it's because I'm among young, fun-loving, friendly people; also because my time in a marketing company (much as I hated the work) kind of forced me out of my shell; my personality kind of changed up when Mom died; and then since escaping the miserable situation in Corpus I've been, well, triumphant really, absolutely glowingly joyful. Every day has been an "on" day. The practical upshot of all this is that, for the first time in my life, I seem to be one of the popular kids.
Enter PMS! You can't play so unaccustomed a role without harboring a niggling feeling that you just don't deserve this. You don't deserve to prosper, says my little inner voice to myself. You don't deserve to be liked. You're a phony; you're not really that smart, not really that attractive, not really that funny. You do not deserve happiness. It was never meant for the likes of your sorry ass.
It is, as I said last night, absolutely eating my lunch. I am feeling unlovely and unlovable, petulant, whiny, underhanded, nasty, snippy, stupid, useless, self-loathing. And I can't seem to get a grip on my behavior. I snapped at one coworker today and made a spiteful dig at another. Everything anyone says to me, every action, is taken in the worst possible light. And I'm weepy! Ugh! Yuck! I don't want to be like this!
Thank God for long holiday weekends. Maybe I'll be a normal human being (relatively speaking) by Wednesday, and maybe I'll come back and delete this before anybody actually reads it. But this month is much worse than the last, which was worse than the one before. I'm perfectly fine most of the time! Why can't I handle this??