Disembodied Teeth

For the last month or so, something has been eating at me.

I mean, literally.

Here is where you have to clarify further that when you say "literally," you actually mean LITERALLY, because who does that anymore? It's unusual. Nonetheless, I, a writer who strives for clarity at all times, am, for lack of a better phrase, eaten alive; which is to say, not literally eaten alive (because in that case I would at this point be dead, and therefore no longer able to write about the experience), but figuratively eaten alive; or, literally, experiencing the condition of being eaten by something in a literal, yet (as yet) non-fatal fashion.

Hopefully that cleared everything up nicely.

Except my bites. I'd like to find something that would clear those up nicely, because something is eating me alive, figuratively speaking. They feel like mosquito bites, but I know they are not, inasmuch as I am not given to doing high kicks whilst going commando in a swamp. No, something is biting me in quite inappropriately personal places, and they feel like mosquito bites, and I never see what's doing it, and I would quite like it to stop. Thank you.

So anyway, I did some browsing around online (as you do) and came across this post, which includes every single symptom I'm experiencing, up to and including the scrabbling-around noises in the attic, which I've been attributing to squirrels.

Which are rodents. Last time I checked.

I'm not a taxonomist, but I know what I like, and what I don't like is being eaten alive by fucking rodent mites. So does anybody know a good exterminator?

Because I literally do not have time for this.