Worms for Dinner
Home, and Hornsby's, on a Friday afternoon, after skipping out on work (ssssh!) fifteen minutes early... what could be nicer?
Well, for one I could really do without this PMS, and I figured, what the hell, I'll write about it. Maybe it'll get some things off my chest without making nasty snipes at people.
It's a weird thing. In Corpus I was abjectly miserable and yet never had PMS to speak of; or perhaps it was just as much of a bitch then, but didn't stand out from my overall condition enough to be noticeable.
Still it's strange here. I've been, obviously, really happy. I have an easy and completely undemanding job, I have a fun group of work friends who seem to really like me (that's just because they don't know you well enough yet, whispers the PMS), I am in Austin. I love Austin.
But it's more than that. My whole social position in life seems to have drastically shifted. I think it's because I'm among young, fun-loving, friendly people; also because my time in a marketing company (much as I hated the work) kind of forced me out of my shell; my personality kind of changed up when Mom died; and then since escaping the miserable situation in Corpus I've been, well, triumphant really, absolutely glowingly joyful. Every day has been an "on" day. The practical upshot of all this is that, for the first time in my life, I seem to be one of the popular kids.
Enter PMS! You can't play so unaccustomed a role without harboring a niggling feeling that you just don't deserve this. You don't deserve to prosper, says my little inner voice to myself. You don't deserve to be liked. You're a phony; you're not really that smart, not really that attractive, not really that funny. You do not deserve happiness. It was never meant for the likes of your sorry ass.
It is, as I said last night, absolutely eating my lunch. I am feeling unlovely and unlovable, petulant, whiny, underhanded, nasty, snippy, stupid, useless, self-loathing. And I can't seem to get a grip on my behavior. I snapped at one coworker today and made a spiteful dig at another. Everything anyone says to me, every action, is taken in the worst possible light. And I'm weepy! Ugh! Yuck! I don't want to be like this!
Thank God for long holiday weekends. Maybe I'll be a normal human being (relatively speaking) by Wednesday, and maybe I'll come back and delete this before anybody actually reads it. But this month is much worse than the last, which was worse than the one before. I'm perfectly fine most of the time! Why can't I handle this??
posted by Beth @ 5:16 PM
6 comments
6 Comments:
My understanding of who you are has now been turned. completely. upside. down. Anonymous internet readers can be easily shocked!
Well...
I often find myself struggling with how personal to get in my blog. I don't know if I'm writing it for an audience or if it's for myself. Ultimately, the goal is communication in some form, but if you generally write a certain way, you can get boxed in to where you can't express things that don't fit in with the persona you've created.
Not that the persona isn't an accurate representation of what's going on most of the time. I also wish I hadn't laid all the blame on a case of hormonally-induced nihilism, because it's been a weird few weeks and there have been a lot of things going on that I've considered too personal or embarrassing or, well, whatever, to blog about. PMS is not an issue in and of itself, but it can be pretty good at bringing out any oogy stuff you normally manage to keep hidden away. And for the record, I have never agreed with using it as an excuse for bad behavior. I have a brain... I can exercise self-control.
It's weird having your blog read by people who know you, even if they've only come to know you through reading.
I picked up on one piece of this "PMS" entry: "I seem to be one of the popular kids." Perhaps you are taking initiative to make friends at the current job. Sometimes putting yourself out there does the trick. Being socially "stuck up" and narrow-minded can cause one to feel unhappy. Maybe you smile more lately. Sometimes, a simple smile can create friendships.
It have always had the little bug in my ear whispering "Why do you blog? What do you write about?" I agree with the line about getting boxed in. Unless you are hoping to break into a writing career, there shouldn't be any need to worry about what you do (or do not) include. The people who already know you and most people who just read the blog, know that there is more to you than just what you write. Everyone else can just move on to another site if they find something that makes them uncomortable. Unless they just want to make snide, humorous remarks.
I love snide, humorous remarks from the peanut gallery.
Unless of course I'm PMSing. :)
And I'm not saying I was a closed-minded, stuck up beeyotch before these changes (though I see you find that pretty hard to believe, huh Justin! Hah!) It's just that I never talked or joked because I was always afraid of giving offense, or at least just looking like an idiot.
But looking at my new group of friends, I see that neither of these seems to have done anybody too much harm, so I figure what the hell.
Thanks for the kind words guys. :)
You have always been one of the popular kids Beth! I think you came out of your shell when you became my my roomie...can I take credit for that? or is it blame? hehe
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