Package Deals

Is there anything you can buy with condoms that isn't embarrassing?!

I needed to buy some - for the first time in my life, I do believe! but not, as it happens, for myself - so I went to Walgreen's, and brought Anna with me for, um, protection. Because no one will snicker if I am accompanied by a small, adorable child. Right?

But everything else I needed to pick up while we were there seemed like the worst possible thing to buy in conjunction with a giant economy pack (oh, we aren't taking any chances) of Trojans.

A robot action figure for Anna's friend's birthday party next weekend - d'oh! And we're out of toilet paper - d'oh!! And some, ah, feminine-type medication my doctor told me to get yesterday. D'oh!!! Anna was behaving very well, so I told her she could get some candy. She chose a giant lollipop. D'OH!!!

Fortunately there's nothing remotely suggestive about the package of frozen corn dogs I picked up for the kids to have for dinner tonight while I'm out with friends.

Maybe I'll bring the condoms with me. What the hell.

Free Condoms!

*NO PARENTS PLEASE*

(Mine, I mean. I don't care if other people's parents read.)

I used to get free condoms at People's Community Clinic near campus. They were red and yellow and green and blue, individually wrapped in clear packaging. I kept a bowl of them by the bed. You could throw the used ones onto the roof of the frat house next door. I know that sounds kind of rude, but you had to, really. Otherwise the cat would eat them.

Don't even go "eewww!" at me! It's not my fault cats are disgusting!

It's been a long time since I had to think about such things, but I've been browsing over this excellent and very informative link today. I have an IUD: go me! Next best thing to surgical sterilization, baby! And, after reading over this site, I've arrived at the conclusion that all teenaged girls should be mandatorily fitted with one. Whyever not? If she wants to have a baby, she can have it taken out. With her boyfriend's mother's written consent.

For all the options out there, I'm still kind of disappointed there isn't more. When I was a mere slip of a girl, I was quite fond of the sponge; but it's not really effective enough (91% if used perfectly?!), and though they tout it as inexpensive, it's really quite pricey. $2.50 apiece, more or less? When you're in your teens and early twenties, running pretty much on undiluted hormones, that adds up real fast.

There's a female condom out there now, which was being talked about back when I was, um, maybe a little more active than I am these days; but it doesn't sound like loads of fun. Kind of like lining your hoo-hah with Saran Wrap. Hormonal injections, implants, and rings have come on the scene. They all make you fat and moody.

Do we need this? No.

Nowadays there's the morning-after pill: beauty! It costs about 50 bucks a pop, which should (but won't) make your average teenager think twice, or three or four or eight or seventy-three times, about damning the torpedoes and going full speed ahead. Still it's a damn good option to have available, I must say, and it was pretty well unheard of when I was a girl.

Whatever you choose, it's important to be protected. Because pregnancy leads to babies. Which become teenagers. And if you thought popping into the community clinic to grab a handful of condoms for yourself was embarrassing? Well!

Morning Sickness

Around 5 a.m., I awoke from a vivid dream that I had just found out I was pregnant. Timing is a bit muddled in dreams. For one thing, it's odd that I was only just finding out as I was beginning to feel the baby move. For another thing, if my last sexual encounter had knocked me up, you'd think the diapers and 3 a.m. feedings would have tipped me off some time ago.

My alarm went off just as I was getting back to sleep, and I was agonizingly tired, and I don't want to go to work, and I haven't taken a sick day in a month or so. I got up to compose an email to the panicmonger. "I'm sick (cough, cough)," I wrote.

The joke's on her, because I moved my car back into the break spot before riding my bike home yesterday.

But now, of course, I'm wide awake. Maybe I'll go shopping. I could use a pair of these:

They're perfectly safe. I have an IUD!