The Horror, the Overhearable Horror

Today, Ernest told me that Gary inadvertently shortchanged a barista at Dominican Joe, and got bitched up one side and down the other. So they shrugged and went to Starbucks instead.

Alalalalalalalalalalalalalalala!

Which is how Robbie and I always believed our panicmonger boss would ululate when upset (or perhaps merely lost in thought), though we never actually heard it. Really, we were just being childish and inappropriate. You think?

Ernest isn't Robbie, but he's still pretty childish and inappropriate, oh wait, I mean fun. Here are the top ten surprising (not to say horrifying) things you might (and possibly did) overhear when walking past the two of us having a comfy little chat.

10. I'm exceedingly distressed to hear that.

9. What, you mean you don't carry one of those little doohickeys with you everywhere?

8. Who would have thought Lubbock could be so humid?

7. Nobody here is defective. I'm having a hard time adjusting.

6. Have you played with it yet?

5. But I really thought you had to be, at least, sixteen for that!

4. No, get it straight, he fixed his wiener!

3. That's exactly why they call him that. Also he farts.

2. Do I get my money back? I don't think I will.

And the number one thing you may overhear if you walk by:

1. Hey, asshole, it's called a sphincter: look into it!

Top Ten More or Less Rhetorical Questions of the Day

10. What do you do when the lucky bamboo you bought for your kitchen window gets too tall to fit?

9. Hi! How are you today?

8. What's with this overwhelming urge to flirt in French, which no one actually speaks besides Eric Idle?

7. Why - for God's sake, why do people persist in watching reality TV shows? I'm looking at you, Katie. Oh, wait, rhetorical questions - I forgot.

6. Tell me, who, who, who wrote the book of love? And can we file a class-action suit for misrepresentation?

5. Honestly. Did pussy go out of style? And why are men so weird? I guess this is actually two questions.

4. Or is it just one?

3. If a hotel's banquet event order specifies that a "pitcure" of water will be provided for your general session presenter, should you assume that means a "pitcher," or should you worry that the catering staff merely intends to taunt the thirsty speaker?

2. Did you know everything you needed to know in life by the time you were fifteen?

And the number one rhetorical question for today:

1. Playing dumb? Or just plain dumb?