Irresolute

It's a bit early to be making any New Year's resolutions, but perhaps it will make up for not having sent out my Christmas cards yet. It all evens out - right?? I resolve not to procrastinate anymore, starting next year.

Actually, I think my main New Year's resolution for 2008 is not to let Robbie photograph me in a compromising pose at the Adult Video Megaplexxx; and I'd advise all of you out there to resolve likewise, unless you enjoy seeing the photo turn up in wholly unexpected places, among people you don't even know, who are now going to get - well, maybe not exactly the wrong impression of you, but still not an impression you'd like them to have before they have become better acquainted with your - with your - well, before they at least buy you dinner.

And on that note, I should probably quit sexually harassing my coworkers at some point. My lead worker, in the cubicle next to me, bears the brunt of it; and though he doesn't seem to mind, one of these days I'll go too far and he'll have to work from home and the whole place will fall apart.

While I'm at it, perhaps I should resolve to be more patient with the panicmonger.

Nahhh.

For 2008, I resolve to pander to cats, because it's important to set realistic goals for yourself. I also resolve to write a lot of silly stuff when I have nothing in particular to say.

What's yours?

On-the-Job Tips for Security Guards

1. The proper way to greet an employee of the company you are "guarding" is "Hi," "Hello," "Good morning/afternoon," "Can I help you," or something else along those lines. It is never "Wow."

2. When discussing a business matter with an employee of the company, you should make eye contact with that person. On most humans, eyes are located slightly above and to either side of the nose. Some allowance might be made for the fact that you are dealing with a state government employee, but not that much.

3. A little flirtation at work is fun, and makes the day go by faster. But all participants have to be willing participants. Flirtation is not something you get to inflict on strangers who are squirming uncomfortably and trying to rush through their business in order to effect a quick escape.

4. Saying "You have really pretty eyes" does not fulfill the abovementioned requirements for making eye contact.

5. Adding "ma'am" at the end doesn't make it respectful, either.

6. When someone you are dealing with laughs uneasily, the key word is always "uneasily." No exceptions.

Are these guidelines, or are they not, so simple and logical that even a complete dipshit could understand them? See, I know my stuff. This is probably why I didn't get that HR training position I applied for.