On-the-Job Tips for Security Guards

1. The proper way to greet an employee of the company you are "guarding" is "Hi," "Hello," "Good morning/afternoon," "Can I help you," or something else along those lines. It is never "Wow."

2. When discussing a business matter with an employee of the company, you should make eye contact with that person. On most humans, eyes are located slightly above and to either side of the nose. Some allowance might be made for the fact that you are dealing with a state government employee, but not that much.

3. A little flirtation at work is fun, and makes the day go by faster. But all participants have to be willing participants. Flirtation is not something you get to inflict on strangers who are squirming uncomfortably and trying to rush through their business in order to effect a quick escape.

4. Saying "You have really pretty eyes" does not fulfill the abovementioned requirements for making eye contact.

5. Adding "ma'am" at the end doesn't make it respectful, either.

6. When someone you are dealing with laughs uneasily, the key word is always "uneasily." No exceptions.

Are these guidelines, or are they not, so simple and logical that even a complete dipshit could understand them? See, I know my stuff. This is probably why I didn't get that HR training position I applied for.