You've Created a Monster

I put my resume on Monster.com a few months ago. Just for laughs - and so far it hasn't let me down.

Last week it sent me a job listing for an Army chaplain. I'm serious. I'm still scratching my head over what possible criteria I might have filled in that made Monster think I'd be a good fit for that one. What's next, a nun job? "Must be able to spend extended periods of time on your knees."

The real job is okay, if not stellar; but I get bored and start thinking more and more about the future. This is always a bad idea. The main problem with the future, as I see it, is that it invariably involves your own death. Yearly mammograms, too, if you're a girl. That's not even getting into the amount of dental work we've all got coming to us. Dear God! How is anybody ever supposed to look forward to anything?!

But even the best jobs tend to entail getting up at some ungodly hour in the morning, which is the main thing I'd like to get away from. Today I woke up from a terrifying nightmare where I was being mercilessly pursued by a naked, bald, muscular giant. I'd find something to hide under, but he'd knock it down. I hid in a closet, but the door wouldn't close all the way. Then, suddenly, it hit me. Naked? Muscular? Giant? And I'm running away, why?? The dream was taking a much more pleasant turn when my alarm clock went off: time to get up and go to work, where almost everyone inevitably wears clothes.

Not that I'm wishing otherwise. I guess I'm just hoping that someday, Monster.com will turn up a perfect job, where I can sleep in, and all the men are delicious (and some of them are even straight!), and the work is interesting and fulfilling, and the pay is great.

You can stop laughing now. Thanks.