Somebody Else's Problem

About 4:45 today, I found myself lost in a reverie, watching a steady stream of cars whose lucky owners had the foresight to come in half an hour or more earlier than I did, or to take a short lunch. The day was bright and sunny. My cubicle window overlooks the service road between two of our three buildings on campus. It turns off Riverside next to the Kwik-E-Mart, and leads to the back parking lot of the Statesman, and to the hike-and-bike trail. All day long, not only cars, but joggers and walkers (with and without strollers and/or dogs) and bicyclists stream by underneath my window. It's enough to make a desk-bound girl a little punchy.

Have you ever noticed how some people wear exercise gear that's a little too close to their skin tone? So that, if you don't look carefully, you might get the impression they weren't even WEARING exercise gear?

Just such a one pedaled happily by under my window today, making me smile a little. Until I looked a little more closely. And saw some anatomy. And - "Oh, my, God," I said, "Oh, my God!" Yes, cycling down from the hike-and-bike trail and into the back parking lot* of the building across the service road was a straight-up, ain't-no-denyin', no-two-ways-about-it, buck-nekkid dude.

I watched him pedal away in some bemusement. Is that legal? was one question on my mind. Another was, how far of a head start does he have before it's time for me to leave? Because, you know, I'm fairly busy at work these days. When I bike home, I'm actually kind of tired. I just don't think I'd be able to do justice to a naked man at 5:15 on a Monday afternoon.

Then again, I only really saw him from behind.

We Have Problems

Do you labor under delusions of adequacy? Is your self-esteem too robust? Are you plagued by an overabundance of disposable income? Get thee to a bike shop!

My old bike, secured with only a cable lock, got stolen out of the carport. So I’ve been parking the new one in Katie’s room. It’s messy enough in there that I didn’t think she’d really notice. Possibly she hasn’t, but this morning I found some of her unmentionables draped across it; so I went shopping for a good solid U-lock today.

I walked into the bike shop, declined the assistance of a few very polite, but distressingly lithe employees, and located a U-lock. So far so good. But I also wanted new pedals, because the ones that came on my bike don’t have any holes in them, so you can’t mount toe clips. I mean, you could. You’d just need a working power drill, which I don’t have. I figured it was easier just to get a new pair.

That was my first mistake.

Ten minutes browsing the shop and not seeing anything should have told me, right there, to just purchase my lock and leave quietly. Oh, sure, they had pedals. They had clipless, lightweight, racing-caliber pedals, lots of different kinds of them, starting out around $75 a pair. Alongside these were shoes, cleat systems, cleat mounts, cleat covers, a full range of sleek biking apparel, and bicycle helmets that looked like they might actually be flattering.

Mine just makes me look like a well-ventilated mushroom.

Finally, shyly, I asked one of the godlike beings for help. “Do you have any, you know, just regular pedals?” I asked. “The ones that came on my bike won’t accept toe clips.”

“Well, we don’t actually sell toe clips here,” he said. Of course not. Toe clips probably add at least three ounces to the weight of your bike!

“I already have the clips,” I went on. “It’s just that the pedals on my bike don’t take them, or I’d have to drill holes.”

“Hmm. Okay,” he replied, “I think we might have some here, somewhere; let me look around,” and vanished in a blur of brightly-colored Lycra.

He circled the shop for a minute or two, then went outside, and spent another few minutes actually removing a pair of pedals from a bike chained on display in front. He brought them in. “We have this pair,” he told me; “they keep getting put on some of the bikes for test rides. They’re flat so you can slide your feet into the clips, and have special tabs for the straps to mount. They’re $30.”

I took the pedals in my hand. If I’d been browsing, and found these on the shelf, I’d have looked at the price and put them back down. Not that they aren’t worth the money: strong, but extremely lightweight, slim and efficiently designed. But I don’t need that. I’m not worried about minimizing weight. My bike has a kickstand, which I use, and like. Do you have any idea how these people feel about kickstands??

But he’d gone to all that trouble, and I was much too embarrassed to say I wanted something cheaper, which would entail confessing that I’m really not a very serious biker. So I bought them.

Problem solved!

Half Crazy

If you sometimes need to take a mental health day, and I needed one today, but I only took a half-day, does that mean I'm only half-crazy? Or look on the positive side. I'm half-sane!

Robbie sent me a picture of his desk phone at his new job. It looks just like the ones we used to have at USDM! They have speakerphones, caller ID, hold buttons, call waiting, call forwarding, conference calling, all kinds of crazy shit. Can you imagine? They get to use the internet any time they want, as long as they get their work done! And, if they sometimes have to leave early, it's no big deal because they're salaried, with the understanding that every so often they'll have to work late to finish a project or attend an important meeting. As long as nobody's skipping out early on a regular basis, and everybody's job is getting done, everything's copacetic. I mean, my God. It almost sounds like - I don't want to make anybody faint here - but it sounds almost like the people in charge believe the employees are responsible adults!!!

Crazy, isn't it?

Also crazy was last night's cold front. It's been cool enough at night, the last week or so, to sleep with the windows open, which is nice except that Dave and other woodland animals are scampering, scuttling and crunching around in the leaves and grass in the backyard, which always makes me think that bad guys are lurking right outside the window. And of course, as close to South Congress as we are, it's entirely possible there are a few drunken bassists on the loose back there. But last night, around 3:30am, I woke to a deafening roar of sudden wind and rain. Do you know how they always say an approaching tornado sounds like a freight train? I assume they mean minus the horn, but it was loud enough to freak me out a little. I was glad my street is fairly low on the hill that slopes down to the creek; this morning, all my plants seemed to have survived, but every street in the neighborhood was littered with sodden leaves and branches and debris.

Ongoing rain and the sudden chill pretty much scuttled my plans of riding my new bike to work this morning. Ain't she purty?

That's a very kind early Christmas present from my dad. I haven't gotten to the store to buy a U-lock yet, which is why, you may observe, the bike is on the inside of my house.

I was at sixes and sevens without Robbie there, so for lunch I just came home, where I found all four cats blissfully cuddled up on the bed, snoozing off the cold and rainy weather, and realized it was absolutely necessary for me to brew up a fresh pot of coffee and join them.

What? I'm not crazy.

Stuff To Do On April Fools' Day

- Avoid all contact with anyone mischievous. I'll see you tomorrow, when it's safer.

- Send a birthday e-card to my cousin Irene!

- Finally get around to ordering a Flying Spaghetti Monster emblem for my car, thereby completing its utter coolness.

- Don't go to Spamarama. I'm totally going to Eeyore's Birthday Party this year, though.

- Wonder if it was a good idea to mulch the poison ivy plants in with the grass while mowing.

- Congratulate self for finally managing to purchase and install the correct pedals on my son's bike, after only two weeks of not having the use of my own, one trip to Bicycle Sport Shop and two trips to Wal-Mart.

- Enjoy a renewed sense of what an excellent bowler I'm not. (The ultimate question: What is an unusually high bowling score for Beth?)

- Sit outside in the sun, under a canopy of spring green leaves and an impossibly blue sky, and feel as happy as a fool.