Oh No, Not Again

It's that time of year again, that time when TV, radio and teh internets conspire to convince your man that all those disclaimers you keep tossing out regarding the lack of ostentation you prefer are of course nothing more than so much passive-aggressive bullshit, so if he wants to get any, he better make good with the diamonds, beeYOTCH!

Valentine's Day is nice in principle. Or maybe it used to be.

Other females, do you resent this? It just seems like we've come so far (skinny cigarettes notwithstanding) to be considered as rational human creatures. It seems unfair and downright sexist to have the mainstream media telling our men what we really want, blatantly overriding our own openly stated preferences. It's f***ing creepy, if you want to get right down to it. What's wrong with Mr. Here I Am In The Immediate Vicinity At This Moment tenderly bringing a single red rose to our homes, in appreciation for which we cook him, say, a lasange dinner, maybe bake a nice red velvet cake for dessert - he can bring the ice cream - then watch half a romantic DVD before becoming overwhelmed by runaway emotions on the couch? I mean, that sure sounds perfect to me, and nobody has to shell out any disposable income to 1-800-FLOWERS, Victoria's Secret, or Austin Land & Cattle (fine establishments though these may be) in the process. We won't even get into jewelry, God help us.

Chocolate, on the other hand, is always acceptable.

I Picked the Wrong Time of Year To Be a Feminist

"Women are mysterious," begins a radio ad that's been running lately, "especially when it comes to Valentine's Day!"

Silly radio ad. It's based on the premise that women are not really mysterious at all, because everybody knows that all women want tender, romantic gestures that will eventually lead to commitment and marriage and children. Men don't get it, because they just want to watch sports and pornos and belch and scratch themselves. What's to understand? Men, of course, are pretty stupid when it comes to relationships.

"Have your gift delivered to her at work," the ad goes on, "so she can talk, talk, talk about you to her friends!"

Hahaha! Women sure do like to talk, don't they? Can't shut the bitch up.

Another ad features one woman telling a second woman that her boyfriend wants to get serious, but she's not really sure. The second woman immediately deduces that the first woman has something wrong with her. Maybe it's her diet. Anyway, the ad concludes happily with the first woman announcing that her boyfriend just proposed and she said yes! Squealing ensues.

If I weren't a lady, I swear, I'd pull an Elvis on the damn radio.