What's Your Problem?

Remember when it was cool to be a drunk?

I don't, actually, as it was a bit before my time. But I've seen episodes of the Dean Martin Variety Hour. Tell me he wasn't glamorous: slightly unsteady, but dapper and laughing in his tuxedo, a cigarette in one hand and a glass of Scotch in the other. I wouldn't want to be too closely related to him, but I bet he was a blast at parties.

Or even as recently as the mid-70s, it was perfectly acceptable for the entire celebrity cast of Match Game PM to go on air while sozzled out of their skulls on booze - and who knows what else? (Except Richard Dawson, who usually seemed relatively sober, which is why all the contestants always picked him for the final round, until the producers finally took away contestant's choice and made everybody spin a big wheel instead. Woe betide you if it landed on Charles Nelson Reilly!)

Back in those days, you know, being drunk was considered a valid excuse for otherwise unacceptable behavior. Made an ass of yourself in front of your boss, your spouse, and all your friends? Well, you were three sheets to the wind. I understand. It happens to the best of us from time to time.

We don't really have anything like that now. Like alcohol itself, some people leaned too heavily on the excuse, until nobody would accept it anymore. What? You made a pass at the Ridleys' dog - again?!? For God's sake, get help. And go sleep on the couch, you sick bastard.

But it's therapeutic to cut loose and do something crazy and random, just every now and then, that you'd normally never do. As long as you're not hurting anybody, it's all good. Debauched abandon serves a certain purpose in civilized society. In the 80s we tried to replace it with cocaine, but that just made everybody egocentric and cheesy, and eventually led to David Lee Roth's solo career. Then in the 90s we had primal nature retreats where you spent the weekend naked with a bunch of paunchy middle-aged businessmen, cavorting around a campfire and howling at the moon. But it turns out those guys all have crack hair.

And of course there's actual therapy, and doing exercises to work through your issues in a safe, controlled environment; but that's so expensive. We just need some form of temporary escapism for the aughties. It needs to be non-addictive and cheap and not too bad for you; and ideally, it shouldn't lead to you waking up naked on a park bench with an unusual-smelling new friend.

Well, try to think of something. In the meantime I'll be drinking red wine and dirty-dancing at Oilcan Harry's.