Ask Questions Later

If you don't go to Homeland Security training, then the terrorists have already won.

Where I work, all employees classified as safety-sensitive are required to take this class. I wish I'd done a better job planning ahead, so I could have ordered one of these shirts to wear to the session: just something to liven up what I assumed would be a three-hour yawnfest.

Wrong on both counts. Turns out Yosemite Sam was in my class, rendering it considerably more interesting, but unfortunately considerably longer as well.

Sam raised his had for the first time not long after the presentation began. The instructor - head of security for my work campus - was covering your main categories of terrorism, which rather to my surprise include any crimes against person or property, no matter what the motive. Your car was broken into? Terrorism.

What - you're freaked out about it, aren't you? All right then.

Obviously, by this definition, murder for whatever motive is a terrorist act. So Sam raised his hand and told us the story of an act of terrorism that had taken place where he had once worked. A grocery store manager had been stabbed to death with a butcher knife: stabbed seven, or eight, or nine times; then, "just to make a statement," Sam said, the killer left the knife impaled in the victim's body.

Sam did not clarify exactly what the statement was, but I'm hazarding something along the lines of "Guess I won't be needing this knife anymore!"

This was just for openers. As the class progressed, the instructor began to talk about how we're always vulnerable to threats. "Why," he said, "if you wanted to, you could -" only I won't tell you the rest, because he basically gave us detailed instructions on how to break into headquarters and wipe out the entire personnel department.

Here, Yosemite Sam raised his hand and asked why our security guards aren't armed.

One wonders if he has actually seen our security guards. I have, and frankly I wouldn't trust most of them with anything more lethal than an eggplant. But it was a dear topic to Sam, so after the instructor responded that arming security guards would be an administration decision and out of his hands, Sam went on to repeat the question at least five more times. I lost count. Then he went on to ask why employees who hold a concealed handgun license aren't allowed to carry firearms on the job. Rules, he pointed out, are only for good guys. Bad guys don't follow the rules!

The constant interruptions seemed to annoy our instructor, who retaliated by describing in great detail how one might bring down the entire U.S. economy with a single well-placed refinery fire. Good gravy! Whose side is he on, anyway?!

As the instructor wound up the class, half an hour after its scheduled ending time, Sam stood up and asked to address the group. He revealed that he runs a private investigative business on the side (sheesh, what a dick!) and teaches classes on personal safety, and wanted to pass along a couple of very important tips especially for us ladies. One, always carry a can of mace in your hand whenever you're walking from a building to your car. Always! With your finger ready on the button. You can't be too safe, you know! Two, always be on the lookout for guys lying around under your SUV or pickup in mall parking lots waiting to attack you.

I don't know about you, but I feel much safer now.