A Father's Day Top 10

If anybody knows anything about dads and familial relationships, it's Hallmark, right? Here are the top ten things about fathers that I've learned from the greeting card industry.

10. Dads do a lot of yardwork, but it's the bane of their existence, unless they are lucky enough to own a massive, powerful ride-on mower.

9. Dads mostly lie around on the couch watching sports on TV all weekend.

8. Unless they're into golf.

7. Dads freak out in comical fashion when their teenaged son wrecks the car or their teenaged daughter maxes out their credit card. Ha ha! Silly dad.

6. Dads just love fart jokes. A little too much.

5. They hold backyard barbecues, but they always burn everything, and might occasionally start fires.

4. They're fundamentally lazy.

3. Dads enjoy tinkering. They break stuff a lot.

2. They want power tools for Father's Day, but you are going to buy them a necktie. Oh yes. Yes you are.

And the number one thing I've learned about dads from the greeting card industry:

1. I don't have a Hallmark dad. Thank God for that!

In fact I would say that probably the worst quality my dad has is that it's always hard to pick out a Father's Day card for him, because he has steadfastly refused to take greeting-card fatherhood as a model, and is in fact intelligent, thoughtful, measured, talented, resourceful, good-humored, and kind.

I guess I'm willing to put up with that. Happy Father's Day, Daddy! I love you.

I hope the card got there on time, for once.