In Your Court

Have you ever browsed through the attorney listings in the Yellow Pages?

It's an interesting little sociological study, you know, to do so. The basic alphabetical text listings are no good whatsoever. You can't just pick someone and call, because for all you know you're getting someone who's board-certified in suits for personal injury caused by escaped zoo animals. If you called such a lawyer needing real estate advice, the receptionist would just laugh at you. You schmuck! What do you know about the law?

So you have to rely on the lawyers who have taken out ads listing details of what types of cases they handle. And because a picture is worth a thousand words, almost all of them are thoughtful enough to let you know what they look like, too.

Personal injury attorneys always look very grim and aggressive in their pictures. They're pissed as hell at what's happened to you! And they're not going to take it! Some of them appear to be clutching pieces of raw meat in their teeth. These are the guys you want on your side if you're dealing with big business: uncooperative insurance companies, malpractical doctors, your asshole of an employer. This'll learn 'em a lesson they'll never forget.

But look, then, at the bankruptcy attorney pictures. They're smiling, but not happily. They appear to be overwhelmed with sympathy. You poor thing, you can almost hear them saying. There, there. Everything's going to be okay. My favorite attorney in the whole Yellow Pages falls into this category: not only does he bear a genial, understanding grin, but his kindly visage is blessed with the Moustache of Compassion. Look in the Yellow Pages; you'll see him. Just looking at his photo is almost enough to make me wish I were cripplingly in debt, because then I'd get to hire him.

My second favorite is the one who has "As seen on TV!" in his ad. I've seen him on TV: he looks like a regular guy, with long dark hair pulled back in a ponytail. His schtick is that he doesn't look like a lawyer, so that helps him sneak up on 'em! But his Yellow Pages photo looks like an illustration from a children's Bible. My third favorite is the one who I refuse to believe is not actually a woman dressed up like a man. God, I hope this post doesn't get me sued.

It disturbed me a little to note that attorneys representing you against charges of sexual misconduct or DWI seem disproportionately to look like college frat guys. But they're junior partners, generally; the senior, respectable guy, the "dad" attorney, almost always appears alongside. We can sympathize with what you're going through! But unlike you, we know how to keep it in our pants.

Family law attorneys (that's divorce, there, and a few other case types of less immediate interest) smile brightly, but don't look quite as compassionate as the bankruptcy guys. Sure, they'll provide a shoulder in your time of need; but make no mistake: you wouldn't want to be on the wrong side of one in court.

Then you have your large law firms: a full staff of senior partners and junior partners and associates and who knows what all. These firms have something for everyone. Just look at the pictures: men, women, black, white, Hispanic, kindly, tough, old and young, all arrayed in dark suits and ties for your pleasure. One rather wonders if they offer a special of the day.

I'm going to a lawyer party tonight with my sister. It will make my weekend if I actually get to meet some of these people.