Take It Off

Hey, Austinites! How many different businesses do you recall occupying the site of the now-closed LaBare? I can name four more without even trying.

LaBare was the first business to thrive in that location, so it stands to reason that the city had to shut it down. Not a moment too soon, either; I imagine that we were within a hair's-breadth of being overrun by marauding gangs of drunken bachelorettes, leering at the innocent state employees in the neighboring building, making inappropriate remarks to the students at the School for the Deaf, and pantsing the joggers on the hike-and-bike trail. We should all thank the powers that be that we have been saved from such a terrible fate. We should be on our knees. You know - thanking them.

But we're left with the problem of a vacant piece of prime real estate that has never been able to sustain any of the businesses that have occupied it. What to do? It's for sale now, and I have a few ideas.

Actually, all my ideas involve the building being purchased by the neighboring state agency, largely because no one else can park there during business hours. This won't happen, because said state agency is, how shall we say? Ah yes. Cheap-ass bastards! But we can use our imaginations.

It could serve as itinerant housing for those who might otherwise be forced to live out of their vehicles - and don't think that doesn't happen! Or the employees, I'm sure, could really use an on-site gym. After the outlay for the building, the state would probably only be able to shell out for a rickety old Schwinn exercycle from the nearest pawn shop, but it would be better than nothing. If we left all the stages and poles and smoke machines, someone with past experience in the field could teach a class on exotic dancing, which builds excellent leg muscles.

Or it could be rededicated as a detention facility. Employees are forever getting into all sorts of crazy trouble. Whether they're obsessively stalking their coworkers, or using the internet to look at something besides the weather, or finagling half a department into attending a sales pitch under the guise of teambuilding, these people are a wacky bunch who should really be forced to stay after work and make reparations now and again.

Here again, the nudie bar setup of the facility could be put to good use. Miscreants could be forced to watch fellow state employees put on a floor show. More terrifyingly, some of us might be required to give lap dances to people we'd just as soon not give lap dances to. I for one would never playfully log into my friends' Scotland Yard accounts again.

There's a suggestion box next to the employee entrance, but for some reason they never address any of my ideas.