Understanding Cats

They should know they shouldn't be on the table. If your cats are well-trained, they will jump off the table as soon as they hear you coming, and you don't even have to say, "Hey! You! Get off the table!" or throw small objects at them from across the room while they stare at you in befuddlement.

Don't allow your cats to write guest posts on your blog. Their viewpoint is limited, their opinions are not very well thought out, and they're terrible spellers.

You should never date anyone your cats don't approve of.

If your hair is tangled and drooly and your scalp is scratched, you know your cat loves you. Or else it's hungry.

You might want to lock your cats out of the room during sex. They tend to attack things they see wiggling around under the covers, and if you're pinned down, you cannot stop them from licking you on the nose. On the other hand, if they're locked out and want to come in, they will be distractingly noisy and possibly demolish the door, so it's better only to have sex when the cats are away. Or just give up sex altogether.

Little-known fact: Cats are actually transparent! Only they are aware of this. You will find living with cats to be much easier if you can come to grasp this fact as well.

Cats love you very, very much when it's cold and nasty outside. If it's beautiful and sunny out? You suck.

I just scooped Slappy White off the table as he was trying to walk across my iBook. He's now curled up on my lap, purring riotously, and occasionally reaching out a paw to remind me to keep petting him. If I stop petting him for too long, the paw will have claws at the end of it. Slappy White is not subtle. There's coffee ready in the kitchen and I really want to go fix myself a cup, but I do not dare the wrath of Slappy. I understand him too well.

Dogs, though, I never understood at all.