Cosmic Harmony

Since we can't have the snake guy, I've been told to come up with a new topic for our December safety information session.

And I’m thinking: you know what? These sessions always deal with immediate physical safety: don’t fall into the path of oncoming 18-wheelers, don’t drink and drive, don’t spray yourself in the eye with caustic chemicals, don’t nap on the railroad tracks, don’t jump up and down on the roof waving a tire iron and screaming insults at the gods during an electrical storm, etc. etc. etc. And pretty much every topic has been covered multiple times already. But how much attention do we pay to the long-term, life- AND quality-of-life-threatening hazards of being out of harmony with our own selves and the world around us?

Except for my small work group, the people who attend these monthly safety sessions are all construction site inspectors and maintenance workers. They are grizzled. They chew tobacco. These guys wear steel-toed boots every day, not to mention belt buckles that cover more territory than some of my skirts. They purchase inner tranquility by the six-pack. I bet most of them can’t even spell “yoga.”

They need my help.

For the December session, I’d like to get someone to come in and speak on the importance of achieving personal balance with the cosmos. This person will dim the lights, put on a little Enya, burn incense, and talk in a gentle, sing-song voice about how to deal holistically with the challenges of day-to-day life. She or he might demonstrate some meditation and breathing techniques, and should also touch on the role of diet in your spiritual, as well as physical health; and how you should only eat local, organic, ethically produced foods.*

Achieving peace in one’s interpersonal relationships is also vitally important to a healthy psyche. Our speaker will give some tips for resolving conflict without violence, shouting, sulking, or withholding sex; and for responding sensitively – while not submissively – to the demands of one’s bosses and coworkers, friends and loved ones.

Our monthly safety meetings often have some freebies for everyone to take home. I’m thinking aromatherapy votives and lavender-scented eye pillows, here.

It’s perfect, don’t you think? Because not only will the session be of great service to the attendees, on a topic that hasn’t already been covered 800 million times, but it’s almost guaranteed that I will never be asked to plan one of these goddamn safety meetings again.

And the balance of the universe is thus restored.

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*Except Smarties™