Desperate Times, Desperate Measures

Our section at work, 45 people in all, has a budget of $1000 for office supplies for the newly-begun fiscal year. So an immediate moratorium has been issued against anybody printing anything. Paper is expensive.

"Go paperless," management exhorts us; the year, last I checked, is after all 2007. Bringing the agency into the 20th century seems like the least we can do. Unfortunately, my particular group relies heavily on printed engineering construction plans to do our job. The other groups in our section can go more or less paperless; we really can't.

We're going to need more money.

So I've been bouncing around a few ideas for how to raise office supply money for our section. We could hold a bake sale, but bake sales never raise all that much; and besides the lobby of my building is already crowded with the cakes and pies and brownies that other divisions are constantly selling to raise money for their retirement gatherings or holiday parties or summer cookoffs. Frivolous bastards.

But there are other items that agency employees might be tempted to buy. All the outdoor break areas on campus have standing ash receptacles, but they're at least two to three feet from the picnic tables, with the result that the ground is always littered with cigarette butts. So some thoughtful soul has added empty coffee cans to the middle of each table. But I propose we take it a step further. I think we should sew up little flame-retardant feedbag-like devices that the smokers could hook over their ears. That way they wouldn't have to reach all the way over to a coffee can to ash: it would just fall neatly right into the bag. And when the cigarette was finished, they could just let it drop from their lips! It should also have pockets on the outside for a cigarette pack and lighter. Ideally, it would have a little motorized arm to put a fresh cigarette in your mouth and light it for you, but remember that I am a state employee; that technology is a bit beyond me.

Carwashes are a popular fundraising activity. Our campus is located in the perfect spot, at a major, central intersection, for someone bubbly and cheerful to stand and wave a dot-lettered posterboard sign. The only problem with this scheme is that most of the employees in our section don't look their best in bikinis, and many can't tolerate direct sunlight.

How about a bachelor auction? Those are always fun. We could have an entenderific tagline like "Win a chance to sleep with Darth!" (This is a bit of an inside joke, as Darth is sleeping about half the time, or at least I think he's sleeping - it's hard to tell, since he also snores when awake.) Ladies who are watching their waistline might bid on a chance to be taken to the state cemetery on a totally calorie-free lunch date by Coworker-You-Idiot (he did this once, really, to an unsuspecting visitor). Or we could auction off a romantic evening with the Phantom Pharter. I'm not sure what women would pay to do with him, but it would probably entail being in a different room.

Perhaps those gentlemen not comfortable with participating in a bachelor auction would be willing to pose for a "Men of the Agency" calendar. Darth, for one, has been spotted napping in some fairly photogenic poses. And Dreamboat would probably leap at the opportunity to wear a Speedo to work. It's too bad Audrey's stalker got fired; he's in a group photo of the division from several years back which is hanging up in the kitchen, and he definitely had a certain je-ne-sais-WHAT?!?

But calendars have to be printed, generally on paper, which is unfortunately out of the question. So I'll keep trying to come up with ideas.