Californians in White Shoes

Have you ever been to the mall on a Sunday afternoon? Well, let me tell you what: a lot of people there are wearing white shoes. You heard me. Yes, I know it's after Labor Day! They are wearing them anyway!!!

I've been to the mall twice, actually, in the last year or so, not counting today. But it was during the week on my lunch hour. The mall isn't so bad if you're just skipping merrily through with visions of the Apple store dancing in your head. Or there's Payless Shoes, or Bath and Body Works. The rest of it seems fairly unnecessary; and if it were razed, the site would be great for an observatory.

Or would have been, before all those goddamn Californians moved here and turned our beautiful, unspoiled Hill Country into an electricity-guzzling, SUV-infested, McMansion-studded suburban dystopia.

I went with Cheryl's Bitch, who introduced me to corners of the mall I'd never visit under my own power. Aveda, for instance, where they serve you a cup of hot herbal tea when you walk in the door, and offer you a relaxing hand massage when you're checking out. I glance nervously around for undercover cops, but apparently it's legit.

We also went into Abercrombie & Fitch. They have some really yummy cologne wafting through the ventilation system, so the whole store smells like a guy I'd like to f***; yet based on the photos of the models surrounding all the displays, and on many of the customers I saw, I don't think I'm the target market's type.

And speaking of targets, Cheryl's Bitch was originally supposed to take me to the firing range today. He called later on to say that the range was closed, but I suspect he was just scared I'd pull a Dick Cheney. It's not like I've ever fired anything besides an air rifle before, and that was over twenty years ago and I never really quite got the knack of it to begin with. And I have been in a pretty bad mood lately.

So he suggested a nice spot of swimming at Barton Springs. Fair enough. I wouldn't have time to get by the Bazaar to get a new bikini top; mine's a few years old and never fit that well, and could give without warning at any moment. But what the hell, it's Barton Springs, so it's not like it would really matter.

But then he decided it was cloudy and suggested the mall, and so to the mall we went. We did count at least four women wearing white shoes, so it's just as well he wasn't armed.

But the idea's been planted in my head now. I've never fired a gun before. I want to shoot something!

Lucky for you I'm not a Republican.