Resolved: That Strangers Should Be Shot On Sight

Why will complete strangers be so obsessed with whether or not you're smiling? At lunchtime on the hike-and-bike today I crossed paths with some guy who remarked, "You're always smiling!"

I laughed a little laugh and went on my way, but I was concerned. How the hell would he know? Who was that guy?!?

Actually I'm worried that he might be the same guy who ordered me to "Smile!" on the trail several months ago. And if that's the case, there are a few hideous possibilities:

1. He's been watching me!
2. He thinks I'm happy all the time because of his positive influence;
3. No one has shot him yet.

Maybe all of the above!

The kind of people who order complete strangers to "Smile!" are also the sort of people who automatically deduce, upon learning my name, that I am just dying to be addressed as "Liz." And it's hard to correct them without sounding like a curmudgeon, because they always do it so heartily, and you don't want to embarrass them; and you end up letting it go a second time because you let it go the first time; then you've let it go for so long that it's much too late to do anything about it without sounding, not only grouchy, but a little bit stupid. "Well, why on earth didn't you say so right away?" they will probably demand. Bastards.

There's a guy at work who calls me "Liz." He has some hardcore right-wing shit in his cubicle: a certificate (signed by whom?!?) stating that he's a "True American;" some bumper stickers about supporting prayer in schools; supporting the NRA; supporting the shooting up of American troops and the liberal commie scum who fail to support them; that sort of thing. And there's a lovely glossy photo of Laura and George W. Bush, smiling and waving.

Over Easter weekend, somebody (I swear, it wasn't me) printed this up and pinned it to a wall in the hallway:

It's just down the hall from the right wing guy's cube. In fact, if you stand facing the bunny picture, then turn around 180 degrees, you are looking straight at the Laura & George photo.

I cannot even tell you how profoundly, intensely, passionately I ache to cut out the speech bubbles from the bunnies and paste them over Laura & W.'s heads.

But the other members of the break group assure me that this would probably get me shot. After all, Dick Cheney is almost certainly this guy's greatest hero. So I guess I'll restrain myself the best I can, because it's really hard to smile when you've been shot in the face.

We wouldn't want to disappoint Mr. Hike-and-Bike!