Top Ten Things I Can't Understand As of November 27

10. David Bowie never calls me.

9. How is it that Austin finally gets an IKEA just as I am supporting an unprecedented number of children on a state employee's salary?

8. New! Bic Soleil "Twilight" triple bladed disposable razors for women with lavender-scented handles. This might need to go higher on the list, I'm not sure. For the record, I sniffed one up close in the shower today and yes, they do smell sort of like lavender.

Does anybody have a Band-Aid handy?

7. This whole new-fangled "internet" thingummy.

6. My hair. I will never understand it, never.

5. My burgeoning friendship at work with the Bitching Smoker. Turns out we are united in our distaste for Coworker-You-Idiot. We have been spending - well, not a lot of time, but more time than I would ever have thought probable - together, just discussing this subject. Well, necessity makes strange bedfellows. Not to imply anything. Good lord. And no, I will not take up smoking.

4. How did my teenaged daughter persuade me to agree to babysit a six-week old kitten for two weeks?

3. I am not brilliant, wealthy and beautiful. Please explain.

2. Why do people die? Don't give me any of that tired old crap about the "cycle of life," because I'm just not buying it.

And the number one thing I can't understand today:

1. Marshmallows. Everything else I could think of was unprintable.