Don't M#%^*f@! Answer the M*$^f#!% Phone

Oh wait, that's a different movie.

I'm not sure how Samuel L. Jackson got my number, but he's the kind of guy that, when he calls up and tells you to go see something, you better damn well go see it. He seems to have called most of my friends, too. And Robbie's friends. Why, even the Bitching Smoker who sits in the cube across from Robbie's. I wonder how that happened?

Anyway, a good-sized subset of our Three-Martini Break Group went to see Snakes on a Plane last night at the Alamo Drafthouse South. The only thing that could have made it more fun was if they'd shown more of the Blanks on a Blank contest entries instead of previews for ordinary movies; but that's probably what we get for not going until the next-to-the-last night. We only got to see Sheep on a Surfboard, which really wasn't one of my favorites.

The feature presentation, though, left nothing whatsoever to be desired: a completely over-the-top, no-holds-barred, ass-kicking, name-taking, heavy-duty, exuberantly tongue-in-cheek formula thriller. The beer didn't hurt, either (this was actually my first Alamo experience - it was a great one!). Quick - what's the one part of your body you'd least like to have chomped on by a venomous snake?? Can't pick just one? Well, you're in luck, because you don't have to!

The filmmakers wisely won over the cat fanciers in the audience during the first snake encounter of the movie, in which a kenneled Siamese cat in the cargo bay savages an intruding serpent with such incredible viciousness that they couldn't even show the action, just the kennel bouncing violently on the floor. The snakes have better luck as the movie progresses, though. The usual horror/thriller cliches apply: Never have sex. Never get high. Never fall asleep. Never explore a dark enclosed space with an underpowered flashlight. Never be a complete dick to nice young mothers with babies and pretty girls with ornamental dogs. And for God's sake, when they tell you not to tamper with the smoke detector in the lavatory, they really aren't kidding.

It actually is safe, though, to answer the phone. Looks like somebody was sleeping on the job...