Truth in Advertising

****WARNING: This post contains frank talk about penises, and therefore should not be read by parents or coworkers.****
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Another classic subject line fresh from the spam filter:

84% of women say their lover's penis is too small!

What is the world coming to, now that the spammers have pollsters and statisticians working on their side? Who are they going to get next, Stephen Hawking?

84% strikes me as a little high, to be perfectly honest. I mean, I've known a handful of penises* in my day, and I'd have to say that only about, oh, 20, 25% left anything to be desired. And size wasn't even the issue in most of those cases. (I really, really cannot overemphasize the importance of good personal hygiene here.)

And where do you even get results like these? Is this from a Gallup poll? Or do they have surveyors hanging around in shopping malls and ambushing women on their way into the Sharper Image store? That might explain things.

Or maybe they're factoring in lesbians and the celibate, and thereby coming up with an overall Lover Penis Quotient (LPQ) of approximately 1.32 inches. That would be a pretty misleading measure; but then again, what do you expect from spammers?

84%, boys. Actually, if I were you, I'd use that to my advantage. Next time your sweetheart gazes at you reproachfully and hints that your manhood would be proportionately better suited to a member** of the rodent family, just whip out a printout of this spam mail (please, I don't want to know from where) and tell her to join the club, baby!

Because 84% of lovers' penises can't be wrong.

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*Band name!

**Har!