Civilized Behavior

With apologies for the unexpected bit of weekend drama, I've been musing a bit on the different approaches people take to conflict.

My approach is indirect, but follows certain standard social rules. If someone wants me to do something I don't want to do, I make polite demurrals with the expectation that they'll take the hint and drop the issue. This generally works; some cultures are more direct than others, but in the one I belong to, people watch out for each other's social signals and temper their behavior accordingly.

But some people aren't like that. Again, some cultures are more direct than others and people come from all different backgrounds, so you can't necessarily resent it if the person you're dealing with doesn't pick up subtle signals. If we all came from one homogeneous society, that other person would simply be a boor; from the other perspective, not understanding the social rules behind the "indirect" approach, the other person may feel that the first person is not dealing honestly, when there's merely a difference in the social language being spoken.

On the other hand, some people really are just boors. There are people who take advantage of the politeness of others to steamroll over them; my ex-brother-in-law's wife being a case in point. She's found that it's to her advantage to disregard the social signals others are sending off. She creates a situation where you have to be rude just to keep from buckling under to her, then holds that rudeness against you as confirmation of her own righteousness.

There are a lot of people who are like that to one degree or another. I think her case is a little extreme; fortunately, she's not particularly connected with us, so I think any further contact from her can simply be politely but firmly dismissed.

It's finally solidified an issue I used to have with my ex-mother-in-law, though, which I was never able to put my finger on at the time. I was only 20 when I got pregnant with Eric, so lacked the experience to understand what aspects of her behavior were sometimes wrong or why conflicts with her bothered me so much. She used to do the same sort of thing to me that she has been doing to Katie over the last couple of days. Her technique is to put on heavy pressure and ignore signs of reluctance or gentle protest; and I remember being huffily told, "Elizabeth, if you have a problem with the way I do things I wish you'd have the courage to tell me so openly."

But part of the function of civilized behavior is avoiding the mess and hassle of frequent, unnecessary confrontation. This is not about cowardice. Conflict in human relationships is a constant, and it keeps the wheels of human interaction turning a lot more smoothly not to have to hash every issue out in a major meltdown. You pick your battles, of course; relationships are supposed a dance of give-and-take, with sensitivity to others' feelings and respect for their rights; with willingness to compromise and an ultimate goal of mutual benefit. Argument does sometimes inevitably occur and there's nothing wrong with that; but it should never be the first resort.

All that said, I think I'll go and delete yesterday's post so as not to escalate anything if anyone involved should ever stumble across it. It was helpful to vent, though.

And I really want to work the term "scroglodyte" into a conversation sometime.