Thursday, February 23, 2006

A Shot in the Dark

Those who read the Austin Chronicle (and who doesn't?) know these ads well.

Don't you? Do you deny it? Do you, or do you not, secretly scan through them in hopes that someone has been overcome by your charms? I sure do. And to date, do you believe, no one has?? Shocking, I know.

And really, come on. I'm reasonably attractive, and I leave the house and go out into public almost every day. Come on, people, what does it take?

Okay, boys, here's what I want to see:
You: ravishing redhead on the hike-and-bike trail at lunchtime.
Me: Cute, funny, brilliant, witty, wonderful, musical guy, preferably large, fair and bearded, but could also be that slim, dark intellectual type with the little round glasses, fun and crazy, with an immense... sense of adventure.
Darling, let me whisk you away from your mundane existence to my palatial home in that awesome neighborhood up the hill west of Pease Park - you know, the one with that castle house, the one that was built around an old stone water tower?

Why, in fact, that's actually my house.


Don't tell my husband, but I might answer that one.

Most of the ads are fairly mundane, if rather poignant. Some chick at a restaurant thought that her waiter was the tastiest dish on the menu, but didn't get up the nerve to ask him out; so she goes back but he's not working there anymore. Or two people hooked up at a bar, but he lost her phone number before he could call her, so he's stuck with the terrible double-whammy of not being able to get in touch with her while realizing she must think he's an A#1 bastard.

Then there are the ones that you just know have no hope whatsoever: two people made accidental eye contact in a crowd but the target of the ad had left before the placer of the ad could reach him or her; or two people have broken up and lost touch, and one of them is interested in maybe getting back together - these ads fairly brim over with false hope and wishful thinking, and range from "not very likely" to "put on yer pajamas, cause you're dreaming!"

Here's a real one I found particularly intriguing:
You: Striking girl with beauty marks wearing long, silver "choker" necklace and sitting outside on Spiderhouse patio reading Chronicle letters about the "Family Planning" cover to your friend. You said you wanted a Shot in The Dark and mentioned wanting to see Curious George. Me: Nosy guy in overalls typing Shot in The Dark to you as you speak. Yea, so I was eavesdropping... :)


It was on the patio, not of Spider House, but of Romeo's, that a couple of weeks ago I was reading the letters about the "Family Planning" cover aloud to my husband, and went from that to talking about the Shot in the Dark ads; so when I scanned over that ad I thought at first that I'd finally got one! I must have a mental twin somewhere, although in my case I'm pretty sure Curious George didn't enter into the conversation. I wonder if she answered this guy's ad?

For now I'll just keep checking, though when I get one it'll probably end up being something more like this:
You: steamy redhead toweling off in your apartment.
Me: drooling pervert with telescope.
Sparks??

4 Comments:

At February 25, 2006 5:48 AM, Blogger Bill D said...

"For now I'll just keep checking, though when I get one it'll probably end up being something more like this:
You: steamy redhead toweling off in your apartment.
Me: drooling pervert with telescope.
Sparks??"
It could be worse.

You: steamy redhead toweling off in your apartment.
Me: Masturbating pervert with telescope.

Eww.

 
At February 25, 2006 6:02 PM, Blogger Beth said...

I'm not sure the Chron would allow that one. Also, don't you need two hands to operate a telescope?

 
At February 26, 2006 12:52 AM, Blogger Bill D said...

Couldn't you position the telescope on a tripod?

 
At February 26, 2006 7:23 AM, Blogger Beth said...

I guess so... maybe I don't know as much about drooling perverts as I thought I did. (Ed. Note: The above remark is not to be construed as a request for instruction.)

 

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