The Problem with Estonians

The Zilker Botanical Gardens are beautiful any time of year, but they're rather peaceful just now - despite the fact that people infinitely lamer than any cousin of mine could ever be are taking up the whole entire Rose Garden to get married in, and most of the koi in the oriental ponds appear to be hibernating.

I rode my bike there to meet up with Cheryl's Bitch and his boyfriend, and his boyfriend's roommate, who is fairly young, straight, friendly, and not at all bad-looking - and perhaps one of the most annoying people I have ever met. Look, we're sitting in the gazebo of the oriental gardens, with bamboo-slatted walls, and the roommate pulls a bamboo stalk out of the wall and starts feinting at Cheryl's Bitch with it, banging it against the bamboo ceiling and generally making a huge racket in the process. We're trying to talk, here.

"Hey," I said. "Do you have to tear the place up?!"

Funny, the dynamics of being a fag-hag in a social setting with a friend's boyfriend's roommate. Sadly enough, if the gay guys weren't around, I'd probably be flirting with him.

I talked about my own dear little son, and how he's developed a serious crush on some girl he's met online, who lives in the Philippines. "It's complicated to be in love," I remarked, "particularly if they are half a world away. It's not like there aren't cool enough people to meet here in Austin!"

"True enough," the guys agreed.

"On the other hand, he's not nearly as likely to get her knocked up," I went on.

"A good friend of ours," said Cheryl's Bitch's boyfriend, "met some woman online from Estonia, and married her and brought her here. It's working out really well for them."

"Yeah," added his roommate, "they have a kid and everything. And another on the way."

"Are they happy?" I asked. "I would have been worried that women from less developed nations would just be looking for a ticket to U.S. citizenship."

"Well, her mom was a doctor, and they seemed fairly well-off," said Cheryl's Bitch's boyfriend. "So I don't think it was that."

"She's not very pretty," remarked the roommate. "Aren't women from that area generally supposed to be attractive?"

"I think they are," I said, "if you're into mustaches."

The roommate went on. "Of course, he's not much to look at either."

"Really," said Cheryl's Bitch's boyfriend, "she's got really big - eyebrows. Merged together in the middle, you know how. And actually she's not very nice."

I'm almost peeing myself by this point.

"Well, at least their baby is cute!" says Cheryl's Bitch's boyfriend. I have to say, thank God. We have enough trouble in the world, without more grouchy, unibrowed half-Estonians stomping about in a perpetual state of high multicultural dudgeon.

Especially at Zilker. Where are the big-ass koi when you need them?!