Wednesday, May 07, 2008

Rude Inconsiderate Nasty Horrible People

Newsflash: Women can't pee standing up.

Perhaps you were already aware of this fact. If so, I congratulate you; you're significantly beetter-informed than whoever it was that was in the ladies' room stall at work before me this afternoon.

And of course, this unknown woman (I wouldn't call her a lady) didn't actually think she could pee standing up. She was guilty, not of ignorance, but of one of the most heinous crimes a woman can commit against her sister creatures: the hoversquat.

The hoversquat is only excusable if a woman finds herself forced to use a particularly frightening facility: say, a unisex restroom at a truck stop, or a port-a-potty by the waning evening light as the Bob Marley Festival is winding down. There are times you'll find yourself in a restroom in which no reasonable creature could be expected to sit down, and due to the biological constraints I hinted at earlier, you can't just go contribute to the ammonia content of some nice happy tree's nutrient intake.

But the public restroom at work, for God's sake. Not only are these things thoroughly cleaned every day, but they are never used by drunk people at all - which is a hell of a lot more than I can say for the bathroom at my house. And if you're one of those prissy "ooh my hiney is too good to touch the same toilet seat that your peasant scum hiney has touched" bitchez - the same exact women, I'll lay you money, who have French tips on their toenails - fine. They've got those stupid little paper things. Use them.

Doing the hoversquat in a clean restroom displays the ultimate contempt for your fellow women. Of course the worst-case scenario is that the next woman doesn't see what you've done and sits down. Eeeeeeewwwww! Me, I always check, even though maybe once out of 500 times does it turn out I needed to. But if your predecessor has committed the hoversquat, you have to either go to another stall, or do the virtuous, civic-minded thing and clean it up.

What is with some people?! Don't even get me started on that woman I see walking to the bus stop after work every day who crosses on the wrong side of the intersection, so that all the cars that have been sitting there waiting to turn left are obliged to keep waiting through the short green light until she has crossed; when if she would walk just 20 feet out of her way, only the people waiting to turn right, who can do so on red anyway, would have to wait for her. I suspect she works in HR, and I'll bet she uses paper seat covers, and she might even have French tips on her toes. Maybe she even thinks she can pee standing up.



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