Hey Austin! Show Us Yer #&@^*!

Yes, Austin already has a smattering of topless bars. We have Sugar's, the Yellow Rose, Exposé, the Crazy Lady, Joy, the Landing Strip (nice name! Wit and class!), and I'm sure a few others I don't know about.

We now even have one whole option for the ladies: La Bare, right in front of my parking lot at work. But I won't go there. Don't get me wrong; I absolutely adore gay men! I just feel that, for me, stuffing money into their skivvies is a little pointless. Um, so to speak.

But the thing is, all of these places are fairly standard for their type. None of them are quirky. They all feature nearly-naked people with nice musculature and little to no body hair, walls lined with mirrors and big-screen TVs, the steamy fragrance of smoke machines, loud canned music, overpriced drinks, and very flattering lighting. They're pretty much the same everywhere. I say it's time to start different kind of place: a uniquely Austin topless bar.

First off, let's get rid of that nasty vibe of exploitation. The customers in these places are nothing but wallets on legs! I'm given to understand that some people feel the dancers are dehumanized, as well, though I never thought that was quite as clear. However, let's say our topless bar is a liberated and egalitarian establishment, where all expectations are spelled out clearly beforehand. The customer needs to know exactly what s/he is paying for, and the limits on the dancer's services are clearly spelled out. No sneaking a grab, and the cost for table dances is not negotiable, you lousy chiseler.

We'll also get rid of the $8 "house drink" with no alcohol in it. Our Austin topless bar doesn't serve froofy drinks, anyway. It serves beer and coffee. No decaf, and definitely no Bud Light. I suppose margaritas are permissible, but they have to be really good margaritas.

All this is specified in a five-page contract you sign when you walk in the door, then enforced, in a firm but friendly manner, by good-natured bouncer Leslie.* Your signature on the contract also counts towards the petition to get Kinky Friedman on the gubernatorial ballot, as long as you are a registered voter in the state of Texas and did not vote in a primary.

Our dancers are regular folks, who don't have to shave anything they don't want to shave or cover up their tattoos with makeup. Five-inch stiletto heels are perilous and uncomfortable, so they wear Birkenstocks.

Customers may watch sports if they absolutely must, but there will also be a selection of good indie films playing. Dancers and waitstaff are permitted to jeer openly at customers who go into a topless bar just to watch TV anyway.

It goes without saying that the music is live. So as not to increase the dancers' tip-out astronomically, we'll only use up-and-coming bands (so to speak) who are happy to play for free just for the exposure. (So to speak!)

What do you think? Sounds awesomely cool, doesn't it? I think I'll make a fortune, which I propose to offer to AMD as an incentive not to build on the aquifer.

Reader suggestions for a name are welcome!

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*You should be on your knees thanking me that Leslie isn't one of the dancers.