Lessons from the Graveyard Shift

Man cannot live by bread alone. Doughnuts, however, are a whole nother story.

Fox News anchors only have two emotions: outraged, and smug. They also make strategic use of lip gloss to blind you so you can't question the veracity of their reporting.

My building has a secret penthouse perched on top of the uppermost floor; it's mostly gutted now, but in the 70s it was the swanky private office/shag-carpeted love nest of the building's original owner. It's accessed by what would then have been considered a graceful staircase, framed in ugly 70s metalwork, which has now been walled in and hidden behind an unmarked, locked steel door. It has its own private bathroom with a shower stall. The bathroom still boasts the original 70s wallpaper - with the kind of color scheme it's only wise to install within easy sprinting distance of a toilet; and the suite has huge sliding glass doors that open out onto the flat roof, where we stood taking a break in the balmy late-night air, gazing at the glittering city across the river as the sounds of live music wafted up to us. Wow, y'all. It was COOL.

In New Zealand, or indeed any British-English-speaking country, you shouldn't introduce yourself at an elegant dinner party by sticking out your hand and saying "Hi, I'm Randy." Especially if that isn't actually your name, and you also waggle your eyebrows suggestively.

The friendly nation of Liberia helps us out by selling us commemorative coins at face value (plus shipping) for a limited time only. Like a $20 silverleaf coin/bill commemorating 9/11 with a big image of the WTC-dominated Manhattan skyline in the center, and the number 9 in two of the corners and the number 11 in the other two (because that adds up to 20!); plus, for those of you who feel that ordinary money is just too small, it's half again as big as those boring old $20 bills you can carry around in your wallet! And for a limited time only, you can buy them at face value for $20! (Plus shipping.) Normally it's $39.95! Limit 5! And they are actual legal tender! (In Liberia.)

When you're in the middle of a 13-hour shift at 3am on Labor Day weekend, you can damn well look up currency converters on the internet and consider it work-related. You get to make executive decisions up there in the EOC. Playing God? Well, somebody has to! Of course, it's usually Morgan Freeman.

Sleep deprivation makes people so goofy that they will pee themselves with laughter at the slightest provocation. It's better than pot. Last night's recurring joke? "Hey look, you guys, a hurricane!" Hilarious.

It isn't going to be good. Keep your toes and fingers crossed.