The Dissipated Life

The thing I don't like about beer, aside from the taste, is that it makes me hiccup. This is embarrassing for two reasons. 1, everyone thinks I'm drunk; and 2, they're probably right.

We were sitting poolside last night in a chatty group, including a charming and amusing Englishwoman, who suggested the age-old cure of startling the hiccups away. "Tell me, Elizabeth," she said brightly, "do you like it up the arse?"

Someone spat out a mouthful of beer. I glanced at my companion. "Funny you should ask," I said. "NOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Everybody laughed. I hiccupped. My friend suggested hopefully that I try switching to vodka shots. Shortly afterwards, the charming and amusing Englishwoman gave him her number.

I knew I should have just gone straight home after work.