Not As Much As Meets the Eye

Robbie and I saw Transformers the other night.

You've seen the cartoon, right? My first boyfriend in high school was totally into it. He was, in fact, so into it that I once noticed him furtively watching it while he really, really, really should have been paying attention to something else, if you catch my drift.

That's why you should never date 16-year-old boys. Well - that, and the fact that you'll get arrested, you lousy pervert. What the hell is the matter with you people?! Sheesh!

Anyway, the movie was way better than the cartoon. The plot revolves around a device - this isn't a spoiler - which converts any technological objects that are exposed to its energy into transformers. And of course Robbie and I reduced one another to tears afterwards trying to imagine what sort of havoc this device would wreak if it came to the government agency where we work.

NOAAtron would have to be the transformer overlord, of course. Created from the technology behind the only external website that employees of our agency are allowed to visit, he would mastermind the new creatures' strategy. At first we theorized that he would do this merely by watching the radar and advising when a battle should be called off due to the danger of rust. But then we realized that he'll actually control the weather. The government already does that anyway, right?

I swear, the crickets were an accident.

The second-in-command would be created from the mainframe that holds most of our data. Unfortunately, it's in another city, and although you'd feel the ground shaking from its lumbering tread, it wouldn't get to Austin in time to be in the movie.

And all the foot soldiers would be made from the technology lying around our offices, most of which is unfortunately about 30 years old, and as I've speculated before probably was transformed from old government employees to begin with. I think they would look something like this.

Being government employees, the vast majority of them wouldn't have much energy for doing battle, and would probably spend most of the time taking smoke breaks or nodding off in the elevator or burning microwave popcorn. NOAAtron would find this very frustrating, and could hardly be blamed for occasionally hitting some of his own troops with a stray weather-control laser. "Oops," he would boom.

They would all communicate via Novell Send Message.

Obsolete technology or no, the fracas that would ensue would be spectacular, and high school boys all over town would stop whatever they were doing to watch. Coming soon to a government agency near you!