Tuesday, August 07, 2007

Enough Already

If I were God, or some reasonable technological equivalent thereof, all humans would have to wear word counters. You'd have a daily quota, and once you'd used up all your words you wouldn't get to say anything else until the next morning.

Writing doesn't count, in case you were about to make any smart-assed remarks. With the possible exception of ninth-grade English students, nobody is ever a captive audience to the written word; and it's not like Joseph Conrad could possibly have known that Lord Jim would someday find its way onto high school required-reading lists.* So as long as they're spelled properly, you can spout all the written words you like. But if you, deliberately and with malice aforethought, insert an apostrophe into the possessive "its," I'll send so much electricity through your computer keyboard you'll never have a good hair day again, as I am My witness.

I'm God, so I don't have to put up with any shit.

Allowances will of course be made for extenuating circumstances. Maybe you have to give a speech. Maybe several. Or hell, maybe you're just rattling on and on because you're nervous; and I'm not without mercy. So, tell you what, I'll make the quotas flexible: you can carry your words over, and store them up for when you need them. I'm sure this scenario will be the best thing for everyone concerned.

But, quota or no quota: if I ever catch you droning on and on and on, with total disregard for the glazed look in your audience's eyes and their futile attempts at polite escape, you better believe I'll smite the living bejeezus out of you.

Don't make Me come down there.

*How could he? I certainly can't understand it - and I'm God!



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