Tuesday, November 29, 2005

Happy Holidays, from the Space Aliens

Today I got a Solutions holiday-edition catalogue in the mail. Are these things specifically designed to make you feel like an inadequate schlub? Or are they targeted towards space aliens who learned everything they know about Earth by watching Martha Stewart?

Get a load of some of this stuff.

Put mints inside, and place one of these affordable boxes next to every place setting - imagine the delight of guests when they are told to take theirs home!

I'd swoon with joy, myself.

I just... don't give dinner parties where you put a little porcelain box full of mints at every guest's place setting. Do you? Maybe you do. If so, I'm evidently not on your guest list.

Encourage family conversation or break the ice at your holiday get-together.
From silly to thought-provoking, the 135 questions on these cards will have everyone discussing their thoughts, opinions, desires and dreams.

Well. Life imitates art, or at least a Monty Python sketch. If we tried this at my in-laws' during a holiday gathering, a huge fight would break out in no time flat. Possibly even a hockey match.

No waiting for wine to "breathe." Oxygenate wine as you pour.
This unique pourer filters and aerates wine as you pour. No need for decanters, because you only open as many bottles as you'll use.

You can't even wait for your wine to decant? You moneyed, gadget-obsessed lush.

They don't mention if it works with boxed wine.

And there's absolutely no way this thing was intended for humans to buy:

Sharp stainless steel blads pierce the skin and cut around the center stone, leaving behind two perfectly sliced halves for you to cube or scoop out.

This is a... disturbing, disturbing item. They call it a mango splitter. Actually, I think this would be a great gift for the stalker on any woman's list. He'll suddenly lose the urge to mess with you, and he won't have any conscious idea why.

Now that's what I call a solution!


At December 02, 2005 5:09 PM, Anonymous Starla said...

I was just wondering who uses those little place card things myself. If I have more than 8 people over for any meal they aren't even getting matching plates.

Solutions- the catalouge for people who feel inadequate and have lots of storage space.


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