In Which I Seek Gainful Employment

I've just finished scanning the Sunday employment listings. My current job, as you may have gathered, is lacking in a few minor respects; so I've been on the lookout for something new.

EXECUTIVE ASSISTANT Responsibilities include screening calls, inputting data, preparing reports and excellent communication skills for customer relations. Data entry and analysis requires MS Office, math and computer (Excel/Word skills). Send resume to P.O. Box 46, Portland, TX 78374

Mmmkay. Might be. Portland is a little far off. It always troubles me a bit when these listings don't have, you know, an email address, or in this case, even a fax number; but then again this is Corpus. I should probably be grateful they've discovered the wonders of the U.S. Mail. I might send off for this one.

Ho! Ho! OFF TO BANK YOU GO! Holidays are coming! Now's the time to feel good about the work you do and get paid for it. Futuremarket Telecenter, Inc. has immediate openings for Recruiters to call residents throughout the U.S. to recruit volunteers. Excellent Money! Base salary plus unlimited bonus. Day or Evening, part or full-time hours. Complete Benefits package. Paid Weekly Call Today Start Tomorrow! 939-7175

Who are you callin' a Ho? And why are you speaking like a badly dubbed Japanese monster movie?? NO SOUP FOR YOU!!

Executive Assistant Needed - Real Estate Office. Must be able to perform in a complex & stressful environment. Continuous phone client contact and setting up appts. and property files. Multi tasking. Strong organizational skills. Strong in Outlook and Microsoft. Excellent verbal & written skills a MUST. Minimum 2 years exp. Fax resume to 361-852-6445. Qualified need only apply please.

Fine, fine, I'll send off for this one, though I find it depressing that their tone suggests they've been getting lots of resumes for people who aren't qualified. For this.

I suspect a lot of people in this town aren't computer literate, frankly. Anyway, this probably pays about $10/hour.

Medical Office Medical & Research Assistant/Secretary. Flex schedule. Be independent & be able to travel several days, several times a year. Salary according to exp. Send resume & personal statement to: PO Box 60155, CC, TX 78466.

What the hell is a "personal statement?" Would it kill them to call it a cover letter? I hate this new age corporatespeak crap. I bet they'd be sorry if they had to read my "personal statement" (though my cover letter, if I say so myself, is quite fetching).

OFFICE MANAGER needed for busy medical office. College degree and two years supervisory experience required. Excellent salary. Send resume and cover letter to: Medical Office, PMB 291, 14493 SPID, CC TX. Ste A 78418-5940

This is actually right up my alley, though I never finished my degree and have never actually supervised anyone. Still, they've been running this ad for two weeks now, so maybe they're starting to get desperate. Mr. Resume may make a new friend tomorrow.

Hiring for 2005 Postal Positions $18.50-$59.00 Benefits /Paid Training/Vacations. 1-800-584-1775 Reference #9017

Hrm. Hrmmmmm. Now, they're not saying what kind of positions they're hiring for, just throwing out some rather un-Corpus-like wage figures. It's possible they're just zombies out to feast on my succulent flesh. Still, that would probably be an improvement.

[IMAGE] no description available

Betcha that was my dream job.

Scheduling Secretary Very busy group practice team player with scheduling exp. Medical manager required. Insurance knowledge preferred. Bilingual a plus. Salary to commensurate with exp. Excellent benefits pkg. EOE. Send resume and salary req. to PO Box 271345, C.C., TX 78427.

I have to provide my own medical manager???? Damn! They want a lot these days. Well, I have no insurance knowledge and, while I can get by in German, I suspect that's not what they have in mind.

BUSINESS IS GREAT Dancers/Waistaff needed. PT/FT-no tip out. Apply Bottoms up 5945 Williams

There we go. Any titty bar called "Bottoms Up" has got to be loaded with class. I hope my teenage daughter hasn't stolen all my thongs.

ADMINISTRATIVE ASSISTANT: - We are looking for a highly organized individual who is able to stay focused under constant interruption. Responsibilities include: answering phones, issuing PO's; processing bills for payment. Must be DETAIL ORIENTATED and be able to multi-task. Excel and QuickBooks experience necessary. Please apply at Atlas Tubular, LP., 1710 S. Hwy 77, Robstown, TX Fax resume to (361) 387-4613

This one's been running for a couple of weeks too. Have they just not been able to find anyone detail-orientated enough, I wonder?

Or is it that everyone who is, has been unable to refrain from correcting the ad snidely in her cover letter, thus blowing her chances at this plum of a job?

DROP BURY TECHS Needed for a local cable contractor co. Must have own truck w/ valid insurance. Background & drug screening. Please apply @ 326 S. Enterpize Pkwy off of Old Brwnsvlle Rd.& S.P.I.D. or call 289-5222. Bring valid DL, SS card & insurance w/ you.

And yet another one that's been running for several weeks now. I haven't got the faintest idea what a "Drop Bury Tech" is, and apparently nobody else has either.

I should probably just send in a resume. What have I got to lose?