Why Don't They Sell "Mailman-B-Gone"?

'Tis the season for catalogs full of products you didn't know that you or anyone on your Christmas list needed; but hey, you have to get them something - and hey! Everything on this page UNDER $20!!!!!! (You know - $19.99.)

I've actually ordered from the Solutions catalog before, once, I think, four addresses ago. God knows how they've managed to track me down. The cover claims that these are "Products that make life easier." For instance, there's a miniature plastic gypsy-in-a-box that tells you what lottery numbers you should pick. "Don't leave it to chance... let this turbaned seer select your 'winning' lotto numbers!" says the copy. I assume the quote marks around "winning" are ironic, or perhaps just to keep them from being sued. "He'll even repeat them if you missed them the first time around!"

There's also a dietary supplement for ornamental dogs which eliminates unsightly tear stains, a Santa-shaped tissue box cover, a correcting-tape dispenser shaped like a duck, and other such indispensable products.

This one actually looks pretty handy, except these bastards stole my idea!

I guess they didn't really, since my idea was to have every object in the house beeping loudly and flashing at all times, which is much better. They want the objects to beep and flash only when paged by the remote, and have even taken the precaution of including a magnetic-back holder or wall-mounting screws so you won't lose the remote, but whatever. That'll last about three days, tops, and then it's wedged behind the sofa with everything else you can't find.

We also get Figi's catalogs, which are full of very tasty things and things you are not quite sure about, like tubs of whipped flavored cheese product, petits fours, cheese logs, sausage logs, fudge logs, nut logs, fruitcake, meat, meat, meat, pies, candies, and chocolate covered potato chips.

Yes way!


I'm not checking the mail again until January.