This Is Only a Test
The other day I was at lunch with two good friends, one of whom is licensed to carry a concealed dachsund. "Can you drive with your wiener in your hand?" asked Diane as we headed out to the restaurant.
"Oh, I do it all the time," he replied casually. "Would you like to hold my wiener?"
"Just put it here between my legs," she said.
One of the reasons Diane is such a cool friend is that, when she's around, I can take a load off* without worrying that any entenuendres** will fall through the cracks.* No: she's all over that.* She's also cool because she buys me lunch when I'm broke.
My earlier freakings about not having anything to do at work now that conference is over appear to have been groundless. For one thing, I'm tasked with writing all the thank-you letters to all the sponsors, a task which alone could keep me pretty well occupied until the time comes to dive full-speed into next year's conference. I've written so many thank-you letters today that I can hardly see straight. This is not to imply ingratitude in any way, it's just that I feel as if I'd just gotten married. Well, except I don't have to exchange anything. Not even the groom!
We also got hit by a somewhat unseasonal hurricane, which kept me very busy with emergency response personnel. This was just a mockup. In the event of an actual emergency, I would have consumed significantly more coffee. I almost had to deliver a mockup baby on the mockup highway over email today, which, let me tell you, never happened in my old job.
If people would just keep their wieners to themselves, I wouldn't have to worry about this sort of thing.
**An absolutely breathtaking portmanteau of "insinuate" and "entendre." Whoever said you shouldn't get all your linguistics from The Daily Show?